


Personal Notes (5) Why am I still here?

by longhairshortfuse



Series: Carlos's Secret Diary [5]
Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: M/M, More head canon Carlos backstory, Science Stuff, naive Carlos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-21
Updated: 2014-05-21
Packaged: 2018-01-26 01:16:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1669337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/longhairshortfuse/pseuds/longhairshortfuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carlos does some science stuff and thinks about the reason why he came to Night Vale and the reasons why he is still there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Personal Notes (5) Why am I still here?

**Author's Note:**

> More of my head canon Carlos backstory and maybe a hint of my plans for Ell.

Pyramid

Today we were occupied with studying a large pyramid that appeared in the meditation zone. By the time I arrived with a couple of postgrads, the sheriff's secret police had ascertained that it reacted neither to taser strike nor to surface-to-surface missile attack. The pyramid emitted a faint energy signal characteristic more of waning battery power than a local alternating grid connection and broadcast on a low frequency signal band. The message made little sense, it was about as coherent and meaningful as a seaside fortune-teller. Something generic about lives having a secret purpose followed by death. I could imagine gullible idiots falling for it, but surely not educated citizens. The most popular theory was that it was a publicity stunt organised by a local cereal manufacturer, but they denied involvement. I would not be surprised, I often fail to understand the content of advertisements. Despite the denials of the cereal manufacturers and the efforts of the sheriff's secret police, the pyramid vanished suddenly of its own accord, leaving behind only a tiny replica of itself playing a recorded goodbye message. I speculated that the small pyramid might have been all there was and that the battery powering its magnification field ran flat. That would explain the failed taser and missile strikes, they would simply have missed and sailed through the illusion. We took it back at the lab and our electronics expert is working on it.

In his show, Cecil reported that Telly the barber has been witnessed wandering in the sand wastes and holding my cut hair, trying to give a cactus a haircut. I have no idea how to react to this other than to wish Telly a speedy, painless recovery from his mental anguish. Who could predict the consequences of such a simple action? I may never get my hair cut again. 

I saw Cecil at the store at lunchtime but lurked just around the corner of each aisle so that I never quite caught up, rehearsing what to say in case he saw me. I blushed when I thought of my most recent favourite fantasy, which has deviated from its original form to involve something that I definitely wouldn't suggest doing on a first date. He had a pack of premium cat food in his basket. I suggested to Ell that she and I go to the station to examine the cat and find out precisely which species he belongs to. I doubt if he is felis silvestris catus. But she just looked at me funny and told me that if I wanted to bump into Cecil I could just call him and arrange a mutually convenient time to bump into him deliberately and repeatedly until we had bumped into each other enough. I blushed at her leer and walked away. I had forgotten about her filthy mind, her barrier and shock-tactic.

Feral

I had time to think over recent events today. There were science issues to deal with, data to analyse, but the rest of the team stepped in. Ell and her best exobiology postgrad followed up reports about a pack of feral dogs and yet another possible mass hallucination.

I thought about whether I liked it here, whether I would stay, what keeps me here and what prevents me from being anywhere else. I certainly find the work fascinating. I have never been anywhere with such a range of strange phenomena to measure, analyse and, occasionally, counteract. I sometimes feel like I am a protector of the town, although I am sure the locals have no idea of how many times over the past five months or so the team and I have saved at least some of them from disaster and destruction. And there is so much more to study, like time. I am getting just a glimmer of how time works in its own way here. Time warps and weaves, twists and turns, occasionally folds in on itself. Clock hands turn but with no mechanism to drive them. Timer circuits need frequent calibration, but the radio always switches on whenever Cecil's show starts. Cecil seems somehow to be able to use time anomalies to his advantage, going from live studio broadcast to outside locations and back again with no need of adequate travel time. Is he even aware of his talent? I am fascinated by our feral time. So there is reason to stay. Study time, study Cecil? Maybe I will give it until a year is up.

And I have two reasons for not being elsewhere. The big professional reason is a singularly disastrous event that I caused a year before I had even heard of this town. I lost my credibility as a scientist, my career, my friends. Thankfully nobody here seems to know about my downfall. Only Ell still trusted me. One day I will tell her that her friendship is the reason I still exist at all. But I can't bring myself to talk about it yet. Maybe not ever.

The other reason is personal, but six months is almost long enough to get over someone who is not worth a second thought. I thought he was like me. I thought he did like me. He was a pretty, blue-eyed fragile blond, younger than me, attentive, articulate and interested, a student at the college where I was an associate professor. Not so lofty a position that I'd get in serious trouble if the faculty found out, and he wasn't in any of my classes. I allowed myself to fall in love carelessly without making sure it was mutual. He played me along, acting coy enough to convince me that he was just discovering who he was, wanting to be led but afraid of the destination, alluringly hesitant and waiting to be persuaded, sometimes leaving me torturously teased just at the point where I thought there could be no return. 

I overheard him talking about me, laughing with his friends about what he was doing. No details were spared as he related everything we did together, described his planned, calculated cruelty as a game, a joke at my expense. I retreated to Ell, told her with what few words I could find, and she let me hide until I could face sunlight again. I wasn't aware that I was capable of hating anyone until then. I blame him for that. 

Ell and I saw him once in the month before packing to come here. She pushed me into a shop doorway as soon as she sensed trouble and told me to go through the store, out the other doors and go home to her place. She arrived back long after me with her hand bandaged. Tripped and landed badly, she said, but I witnessed her right upper-cut and I was simultaneously shocked by the force of it and loved her for it. 

If, as I suspect, Ell is falling for her shadowy companion, whose ass do I kick if he fails to treat her like my surrogate sister deserves?

_Hey it's me again. We look out for each other, don't we? That sometimes makes things difficult for us both. I wish I could tell you why we are really here, lying to you is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Maybe one day you'll read back over your diary, see my notes and forgive me.  
Ell _


End file.
